WATCH OUT! – Yeah, me and the clever headlines.  I know.  But this is a paragraph (or so) about watches.  Yes, wrist watches.

I love clocks.  And calendars.  There’s at least one clock in every room of my house.  Recently, I realized that I also own several watches.  Seven, to be exact.  I didn’t recall buying or owning these watches.  But in moving into the new place this past October, I came across them stashed in various places.Some of them are very, very nice. Expensive.  But I’m hard on timepieces.  These watches had been rode hard and put away wet.  Well, not literally, but the comparison is similar.  (which is kind of a pun, unintentional, of course)

So anyhoo…

In light of the upcoming award dinner for my novel, and the pending high school class reunion coming up in October, I decided yesterday to haul all the watches to a jewelers for cleaning and fixing.

Guess what?

Expensive watches are expensive to fix.  None of the watches worked any longer.  I’d let the batteries run dry years ago.  The crystal faces were badly dinged and scratched.  Those alone are like $100 a pop.  But the only watch I own that still runs is my dependable Timex, which I wear everywhere.  I have no so-called “dress” watches, except for the ones that don’t work.  Yeah, I used to be a real fashion-conscious guy.  Modeling will do that to ya.  Or maybe it’s the other way around.

Anyhoo…

So all the watches are being repaired as we speak, and in two weeks or so, I will have a plethora of watches, all of them working, all of them restored to their original beauty.  That excites me.  I also went out and bought a new suit, the first of which I’ve owned in over twenty years.  Basically, the last time I walked inside a church was the last time I wore a suit.  So it’s probably been more like thirty years.

I feel like such a grownup!

WHY, I ASK YOU, WHY? – Why do the cable companies require a four to five hour window in which to get to my house?  Are they that horrid at personal time management?  Could you imagine any other business doing a similar thing?

AUTO MECHANIC: Oh, we may show up for work tomorrow between 8 and noon, but we might also be here between noon and five.  No telling.  Either way, it will take us sixty hours to fix your flat tire.

DOCTOR: Put him under anesthesia somewhere between noon and four, and we’ll see what happens.

PRESIDENT: Yeah, schedule that world leader somewhere between two and six, and I’ll see if I can be there.  If not, we’ll have to reschedule.

What’s up with that?  So yesterday, when I called Dish Network because I inexplicably lost my satellite signal sometime Wednesday night, I told them I would be available between 8-9 a.m.

“We can’t schedule that closely, sir,” the “customer service rep” said over the phone.  And yes, those quotes are there on purpose.

“Why not?” I asked.  “I have things to do, too.”

“Well, this is how it works.  Would another day be better for you?”

“Sure, how about Wednesday between five and six?”

“Um, as I explained, sir…”

“Yeah, I heard you.  Unfortunately for you, I have a life and can only spare an hour on any given day.  Would it be easier to cancel the service and subscribe to cable?  Because I rarely lose signal with cable.  And it’s less expensive.  And I can get MTV on cable, which for some very odd reason, your company doesn’t carry.”

“I’m not responsible for the programming, sir…”

“No.  I imagine that no one is truly responsible for such an egregious oversight.  However, I am available during those very specific times. Which of those times would work best for you?”

“…”

“Well, then, I’ll see the tech here between eight and nine on Sunday.  Toodles!”

It’s eight a.m. on Sunday as I type this.  We’ll see if they actually show up or if I’ll be cancelling my service tomorrow.

ME AND MY ARROW – My neighbor and friend, Nancy, went with her grandsons up into the mountains this past week to enjoy the end of their spring break with them.  Because of where they were headed, she couldn’t take her pups.  Arrow is a Boston Terrier/Pug mix, and so ugly, she’s adorable.  For those of you who are old enough to remember Ernest Borgnine, she looks a lot like him.  With four legs.

Borgnine from "Marty"

I’m not typically a fan of smaller dogs.  I do think all dogs are awesome, but as for the size to live in the house with me, I prefer the big’uns.

Arrow’s tiny.  Like a meatloaf with legs.  With the best personality this side of the Mississippi.

And she fit into our household like she was meant to live with us.  It’s been nothing but hilarity for the past four days as she taunts Yaz, then Ozzie, then Malai with her antics.  She’s a bundle of energy, but so far, we’ve managed to wear her out by 7 p.m. so that she sleeps through the night.

I’ve got her retrained (she’s wicked smart!) to get up at 3 a.m. with us for our daily hike, and she’s adapted quite well.  Of course, I feel sorry for Nancy, for the first morning upon her return, Arrow will be awake and rambunctious at 3…and Nancy’s not typically an early riser.  I’m already laughing!

Arrow really looks up to Ozzie

At the dog park, she’s a holy terror to any dog that dares engage her in play.  She’s like a gremlin on steroids.  A muppet on crack.  A child’s toy with the wrong size batteries.

Her “person” comes home later today and I know we’ll miss that puggy little face.  And the bajillion kisses she insists on giving anytime there’s bare skin nearby.

THIS JUST IN! – Dish Network just phoned and said they’d be here by 8:45.  Ha!  Bastards!  I knew they could do it if I pushed them to.

SO COLORADO – Today’s weather will be in the mid-70s.  Tomorrow?  A blizzard.  Welcome to weather in Colorado in the springtime!  My poor tulips won’t know what hit ‘em.  Good thing I didn’t start my garden yesterday like I had originally intended.

I bought some very large containers to plant wildflowers in, which are my favorite.  I like the no-fuss, no-muss form of gardening in which I only have to remember to water every several days or so.  Vegetable gardens require way more attention than I have time for.  So say we all.

REALITY TELEVISION – I am so totally hooked on Randy Jackson Presents ‘America’s Best Dance Crew.’ It’s everything reality television should be.  Exciting, heartbreaking, and wonderful.  Season four doesn’t start for another eight months, but I’m ready now, dammit!