Are You Pondering What I’m Pondering? 2.0

Dogs love ‘em. If you believe the television ads, those adorable pups just can’t get enough of ‘em! I’ve even sampled them once (or twice) to find out what all the excitement was about. They weren’t bad, those little salty, meat-flavored dog snacks.

Snausages.

Sometimes it’s just fun to say the word (Snausages!) during serious business meetings to see the reaction of those in attendance. If you can work it into a conversation, you’ll find that you’ve become the life of the party! However, let me warn you that those innocuous little doggie treats can ruin lives. Yes, it’s true, and I’m going to tell you how.

A couple years ago, my young (very young) cousin got married to her high school sweetheart. It just so happened that Virginia (her name) and I also worked together in a local restaurant. Therefore, since I’d known Virginia her entire life, it was appropriate that I be one of the first people to find out that she planned on marrying Shawn, a big, goofy kid who was as nice as anyone you’d ever meet.

My roommate at the time, Marcia, also worked with us…one big happy! When the marriage arrangements were finalized, Marcia and I were asked to stand up for the happy couple in the wedding. Of course, we were ecstatic and said, “Yes!” Actually, I said, “Fuck yeah!”, but that’s just my potty mouth at work.

So, to make a long story longer, the wedding day came around, all of us abuzz at the pageantry of such an event. I was dressed in my tux, Marcia in a (really hideous) bridesmaid’s dress that made her look like, well, a doggie treat.

Marcia stood only five-foot-four, and was equally wide. I have nothing against big gurls, I’m just pointing this out for posterity’s sake. She reminded me of Glenn Close as Cruella De Vil with the same evil cackle and everything. But because Marcia and I were friends, I loved her for her bitchy nature.

So where was I…?

Oh yeah, wedding day. I was assigned to escort Marcia up the aisle ahead of the bride and groom. With the families in their pews (he he), the procession began.

Marcia and I set a stately pace as we led the wedding party toward the altar. For a reason unknown to me, though, I felt the giggles start bubbling up from deep inside. I have always been the class clown. In a family of 14 children, I was the one to make people laugh, defuse a situation, or draw attention to myself with my monkey antics. The downside of this might be that I sometimes get laughing and cannot quit. Though I didn’t perceive the arrival of the giggles as anything serious, I made the mistake of looking at Marcia who held my right arm. Her serious expression, her dog-snack-colored dress, and that was it for me.

She looked up at me with innocence, unaware that I was about to burst into laughter. And for a reason I to this day cannot fathom, I leaned in closer to her and whispered that fateful word:”Snausages.”

Well, that was it for Marcia. Her loud cackle drowned out even the processional organ music that accompanied us. And when she went, those evil giggles that burbled in my belly came splashing out. I struggled to keep them inside. I fought tooth and nail. My face went from bright red to deep burgundy in my efforts. The veins in my neck threatened to burst open. Sweat beaded my forehead.

We made it to the altar where we took our places. I tried and tried not to look across the way at Marcia, to no avail. Her entire body shook with silent laughter. That was it for me. I toppled over backward, right off the altar and into the aisle, effectively interrupting the entire wedding. Virginia and Shawn were furious at me, but that didn’t suppress my giggles. I thought I might pass out. The wedding proceeded once someone came and dragged me away. Too bad they weren’t wearing white coats and carrying butterfly nets.

I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Afterward, no one would speak to me, including Marcia. She told me later that she was afraid to because I very well might have been possessed by the devil.

Everyone eventually forgave me my temporary insanity, but…

Two months later, I received a call from Shawn at work.

“Have you seen Virginia?” he asked in his big, goofy way.

I found this to be a very odd question since he was married to her.

“Umm, no,” I answered, wondering if table 12 had gotten their bottle of mustard.

“She’s gone,” Shawn said.

The people at table 12 were craning their necks as if trying to get their heads to spin around. They hadn’t gotten their mustard.

“Shawn, I have to go. I have customers.”

“She’s run off,” he said. That got my attention.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“She packed a bag.”

Well, that would certainly indicate problems on the home front. Virginia, since her wedding, had quit the restaurant and taken a job in an office. I hadn’t really spoken to her or seen her since, though had spoken on the phone to her a couple times. She hadn’t indicated that anything was amiss. It turned out that Virginia had “eloped” with her forty-six-year old boss from her new job. She hadn’t told her parents, nor her husband, nor anyone for that matter. Deep in the back of my mind, something was waving it’s insidious little sausage-shaped hand at me. Two months passed before Virginia contacted anyone, and that was only to file for divorce from Shawn. I couldn’t help the twinge of guilt I felt for causing such a thing to happen. I knew it was my fault. If I could have only kept my big mouth shut and not whispered Snausages to Marcia at a crucial moment, perhaps Shawn and Virginia would still be together.

I never heard from Shawn nor Virginia again…nor their respective parents. I can’t help but feel that they have blamed me, if even subconsciously, for the disintegration of their holy matrimony.

Do I care? Pass me the snausages, and I’ll tell you…

Reprinted with permission of myself, from God’s Undies.

I don’t hate children. I admire them, preferably from afar. And from behind soundproof glass with a ten gallon bucket of cootie remover on hand…just in case.

My family has 14 children, many of which are procreating at the rate that the US deficit is growing. That scares the bejeezus out of me, to think that there are that many spawn of my family running around on Earth. And it should scare you as well.

My outlook is not just because of my political leanings, or sexuality, or anything that you could pin a reason on easily. I worked in a public library, and endured six to eight hours a day of bratty, bawling, and screeching human weasels as they were dragged through the echo chamber of a building I was trapped in with them. That experience alone has sworn me off of ever even thinking of creating other humans, even if my only job were to provide the necessary spermatozoa to whomever. No thank you very much.

But…And mine is a rather large “but…”

Sometimes there comes along a kid or two who is the most adorable little person I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking to. Precocious, articulate, and as guileless as angels, they can surprise me on occasion. Not enough to change my mind about them as a group, mind you, but enough to make me laugh for days remembering something one of the little rug monkeys did or said. So, in light of those rare moments, here is a list of some funny anecdotal writings from kids as compiled by 8th-12th grade teachers. But let’s face it, 12th graders are rarely cute…just loud.Kids!

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3) Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

14) In mid-evil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

16) Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

17) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

1 The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Please enjoy this photo-journey through my little town:

…I learned from my dogs. This list always tickles me, no matter how many times I read it. (or print it on my blog.) So, more for my own enjoyment, here’s the list:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it’s in your interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout … run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Chasing a stick or a ball is not mindless, but a celebration of being alive.

Things Dogs need to Remember:

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up or have an accident.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal dung.

Kitty box crunchies are not food!

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard or house depending on which end processes it first.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

I will not take whatever I please and hide it under the bed so my people can have a scavenger hunt looking for it.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Dad’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Dad’s legs.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in forDad’s driver’s license and car registration.

I will not stand around Dad when he is cooking or when he is carrying his tea, so he won’t trip over me.

I will not beg for food at the supper table, and especially not eat someone’s food if they leave it for just a moment.

I will not tear up the patio furniture, or put holes in the screen so I may jump in and lounge, just because I don’t want to stay outside for more than 2 minutes.

I will not chase the cat, and knock over breakable things in the process.

I will allow Dad some room and covers when we go to bed.

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law.

I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned inExodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there “degrees”of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyesterblend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you canhelp.Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Yours in God,
Christian

(blog author’s note: I did not create this, but there was no author denoted.  Enjoy anyway!)

Originally published on my former blog, God’s Undies, on April 10, 2004, then reposted in February, 2006.  I feel it bears repeating.

For the remainder of July, Are You Pondering What I’m Pondering? will be on the road.  In our absence, we’ll be re-running Christian’s favorite posts for your reading enjoyment.  We’ll return on July 31st with even more entertainment and hilarity!  Have a great month!

(P.S. - No, we’d never leave such a cute lil puppy behind, tied to a friggin’ tree!  The pups are a-goin’ with us.  Now you can sleep at night, knowing that.)

It’s a characteristic that once served me well.  As a young man living on the streets of Colorado, it was beneficial to my survival to be able to blend in with my surroundings, to take on the characteristics of those around me in order to fit, to not draw too much attention to myself.  It worked for me as a child, when needing to avoid the severe and abusive punishments doled out by my parents, those times when hiding behind the couch and becoming, for all intents and purposes, invisible, was in my best interest.

It wasn’t a physical change that took place (though even now I can’t be sure that statement is true), but a way of shifting my demeanor to mirror those around me.  It felt like absorption, as if I was drawing in not only the mannerisms of those I wished to blend with, but the thought processes, the emotional state, everything.

This was not a characteristic that I could will into action. It was, and is, an ingrained part of who I am.  It’s not a con, not intended to bilk anyone out of money, or possessions, or their identity.  However, many times it cost me my own identity. It was such a part of my amorphous identity at the time, I did not know how to turn it off.  I believe that because of this, all of my intimate relationships were negatively affected by it; as if the facade was erected, and once there, could not be deconstructed.  And so I was trapped behind an assumed identity for the duration…which meant that it lasted until either my partner could not face being around me any longer, for they didn’t truly know who I was, or I would grow weary of maintaining that particular charade, and break it off.

Several years ago, I “went underground” in my life, withdrawing from everyone and everything, trying to root out the core person, my fundamental identity.  It’s been very exhausting peeling those layers, all of which had accumulated over the previous twenty-odd years.

During a conversation with a dear friend of mine recently, she also divulged a similar thing about herself.  As adults, though, the ability to “blend” sometimes became something more destructive.  We felt we had to protect ourselves from others for fear of unintentionally absorbing others’ emotions, behaviors, etc.  This was an awakening moment for me, as I felt that I was perhaps the only person in existence who lived this way.  Now I know there are others.  I recognize them almost immediately, and must struggle to avoid them or become endangered by that old pattern.  The pattern I worked so hard at overcoming.  Because I lived as a chameleon for so long, I recognized the assumed colors of other chameleons.

Perhaps that’s why I was so negatively affected by a so-called friends’ recent betrayal of what I had felt was a deep and growing friendship.  I was taken in by a shape-shifter exactly as I used to be all those years ago.  And maybe I still harbor some of those tendencies.  If so, I’m much more aware of an urge to fall into those patterns again, and swerve away from them if at all possible.  If not, I disconnect from whatever situation is at hand, and walk away.  It no longer serves to be that person.  There is no need.  Nor do I cultivate relationships with those who are still embroiled with their own wars with the chameleon.

Yes, I recognize it as a survival tactic.  But no, I no longer want to have to resort to it in my life.

So let it be written.  So let it be done.

Books, Films, and DVDs enjoyed (or not) this month:

♦♦♦♦♦ = Excellent! Highly Recommended. If there’s an added “+” then you know you can’t miss!

♦♦♦♦ = Not bad. Missing some key elements that would’ve made it better.

♦♦♦ = Meh. Nice filler. Take it or leave it.

♦♦ = Danger, Will Robinson.

♦ = Holy Crap! How did this ever see the light of day?

These ratings are, of course, based on personal preferences as well as professional opinion. So…here ya go!

PICK OF THE MONTH

BOOK

• The Ghost Brigades - Science Fiction - John Scalzi ♦♦♦♦♦+ This fast-paced interstellar military drama meets and exceeds the high expectations set by its predecessor, Scalzi’s acclaimed Old Man’s War (2005). Shifting focus from seniors in young bodies to infants in old bodies, it follows Jared Dirac, a superhuman soldier, from unusual birth to ambiguous death. Dirac is an altered clone of Charles Boutin, a military scientist who betrayed humankind to alien aggressors, and the Colonial Defense Forces’ only hope of finding Boutin lies in transplanting his memories into Dirac’s brain. When the transplant seems to fail, Dirac is sent to Special Forces, known as the Ghost Brigades for their habit of creating new soldiers from the DNA of the dead. His indoctrination there comes in handy when Boutin’s memories begin to surface. Scalzi pays gleeful homage to Ender’s Game, The Forever War and Starship Troopers. A brilliant concept, brilliantly executed. Highly recommended. (Shannon, I definitely recommend this series for you! )
• The Broken Window - Thriller - Jeffrey Deaver ♦♦♦♦♦+  In bestseller Deaver’s entertaining eighth Lincoln Rhyme novel (after The Cold Moon), Rhyme, a forensic consultant for the NYPD, and his detective partner, Amelia Sachs, take on a psychotic mastermind who uses data mining—the business of the twenty-first century—not only to select and hunt down his victims but also to frame the crimes on complete innocents. Rhyme is reluctantly drawn into a case involving his estranged cousin, Arthur, who’s been charged with first-degree murder. But when Rhyme and his crew look into the strange set of circumstances surrounding his cousin’s alleged crime, they discover tangential connections to a company that specializes in collecting and analyzing consumer data. Further investigation leads them to some startlingly Orwellian revelations: Big Brother is watching your every move and could be a homicidal maniac. The topical subject matter makes the story line particularly compelling, while longtime fans will relish Deaver’s intimate exploration of a tragedy from Rhyme’s adolescence.  If you’ve ever wondered or been even the slightest bit paranoid about your identity being stolen, this  book will keep you up at night.  One of the best of Deaver’s long career.

JUNE READS

• The Pact - Drama - Jodi Picoult ♦♦♦♦
• Now You See Him - Drama - Eli Gottlieb ♦♦♦
• The Ghost Brigades - Science Fiction - John Scalzi ♦♦♦♦♦+
• The Tower of Shadows - Fantasy - Drew Bowling ♦♦½
• The Blue Religion - Mystery - Various (Anthology) ♦♦♦
• Odd Hours - Supernatural Suspense - Dean Koontz ♦♦♦♦♦
• The Legend of Colton H. Bryant - Non-Fiction - Alexandra Fuller ♦♦♦
• The Broken Window - Mystery - Jeffrey Deaver ♦♦♦♦♦+
• Wolf at the Table - Non-Fiction - Augusten Burroughs ♦♦♦♦

UPCOMING READS

• Flesh and Spirit - Fantasy - Carol Berg
• Breath and Bone - Fantasy - Carol Berg
• The Wise Man’s Fear - Fantasy - Patrick Rothfuss
• Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines - Non-Fiction - Nic Sheff
• The Reapers - Thriller - John Connolly
• Where Did I Leave My Glasses? - Non-Fiction - Martha Weinman Lear
• Child of God - Drama - Cormac McCarthy
• The Border Trilogy - Drama - Cormac McCarthy
• In Odd We Trust - Supernatural Suspense/Graphic Novel - Dean Koontz
• The Boy Who Killed Caterpillars - Drama - Joshua Kornreich
• The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread - Drama - Don Robertson
• Butcher Bird - Fantasy - Richard Kadrey
• Letter From Point Clear - Drama - Dennis McFarland
• The Killing Moon - Thriller - Chuck Hogan

JUNE DVDs and FILMS

• Friday Night Lights: Season 1 - Drama ♦♦♦♦♦
• Friday Night Lights: Season 2 - Drama ♦♦♦♦♦
• OT: Our Town - Documentary ♦♦♦♦♦

UPCOMING DVDs and FILMS

• The Golden Compass - Fantasy
• Charlie Wilson’s War - Historical Drama
• The Kite Runner - Drama
• Into The Wild - Drama
• The Brave One - Thriller
• War, Inc. - Political Comedy
• Star Trek XI - Sci-Fi
• Batman: The Dark Knight - Action/Adventure
• X-Files: I Want To Believe - Drama/Sci-Fi
• Rambo - Action/Adventure
• The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe - Horror
• The Tracy Fragments - Independent Drama
• Stop Loss - Drama
• Dark Knight - Action/Adventure

• I awoke the other morning to the sound of a woman screaming in terror.  My heart raced as I bolted upright in my bed, automatically glancing at the clock across the room, its green LED numbers burning in the darkness.  The awful sound repeated, then abruptly stopped. I have no idea where the sound came from nor how far away it was, but it didn’t sound all that close. Nevertheless, it was an odd and disturbing moment, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep immediately, but lay there, my brain racing with possibilities. Still don’t know what it was about.
• Just finished reading Odd Hours by Dean Koontz.  One of the best in the Odd Thomas series so far.
• Have finally stopped obsessing thinking so much about the new condo.  This week, I drew up an electronic diagram of the place so that I could work on the potential feng shui of the place.  Found out that the building and the condo itself are perfectly situated, according to all the feng shui information I read.  Got the entire color scheme figured out and will work with the furniture placement once we actually take up residence.  Now there’s nothing to do but wait for the lender to process the mountain of paperwork.  What are the odds that they’ll get it done in a timely manner?
• Found an odd website yesterday that suggested that none of us may be the astrological sign we think we are.  Why?  Because of the earth’s wobble.  The sight suggests that because of the slight wobble in its rotation, the sign we think we might’ve been born with isn’t really the one that’s assigned to us at birth.  It suggested that I was actually born a Taurus, and not Gemini.  However, looking into the information more deeply, I found that the site was full of bull-puckey.  I don’t fit any of the Taurean characteristics.  Doh!  Can’t remember the URL of the site, but if I find it, I’ll post it.

(here is the link: www.truestarsign.com)

And now a word from our sponsor:

Let’s not kill it.